Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

Me irl

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

Ah yes. The three genders

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”