Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
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My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I have obtained a hat
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.