Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span