Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
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[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast