Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

I thought this was funny lol

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.