@WilliamAder

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

You Might Also Like

@skullpuppy11

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

@rebrafsim

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

@iamspacegirl

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

@8bitf0x

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

@NewDadNotes

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

@Mr_Kapowski

I’m gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads “In queso emergency, break glass”

@McGrumpenstein

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

@Browtweaten

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

@Staggfilms

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.