The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
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[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I’m gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads “In queso emergency, break glass”
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??