Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
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Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Tastes like chicken.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
🙁
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.