Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Dishonest mechanic?
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger