me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
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“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
🤷♀️
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.