Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.