Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.