Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

Taliband

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

God, I love Scotland

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.