Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
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Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Don’t tell me what to do
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now