Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

Hilarious if literal: arms race

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.