Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
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Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Lmao 😁
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Cardio Made Easy
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.