@Tmoney68

Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

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@thesulk

“All black people are Aiwa, and all jews are Technics.” “Those are just stereo types.”

@citizenkawala

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

@_shellzbellzzz_

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

@pittdave13

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

@SCbchbum

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

@figgled

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

@wequiwa

If I wanted a more difficult pet I would choose a bird over a baby any day. At least it’s acceptable to day drink with your parrot.

@myonlymizztake

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.