Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.

*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*

M: I have never been happier in my life.

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“All black people are Aiwa, and all jews are Technics.” “Those are just stereo types.”


If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.


My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.


*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top


How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet


Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying


If I wanted a more difficult pet I would choose a bird over a baby any day. At least it’s acceptable to day drink with your parrot.


AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.