Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
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Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.