Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
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Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…