Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy