Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.