me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
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F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Lmao
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
The hardest thing Vision has to do
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.