me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
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My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.