Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

I might give this a try 😏

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat