me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
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Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
for all #parents out there
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.