Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

Alexa, make me look good naked.

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

You saw nothing. I am ham.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

Huge if true.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.