ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.