Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?