me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
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If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
estão todos miauvindo?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.