it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
You Might Also Like
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy