I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
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I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
as is their right
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Go hard or stay average
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.