Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
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[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
figuring out my emotional availability:
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Challenge accepted.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
They got Raph!
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.