Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
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We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
As per my last nervous breakdown