Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

Me, flirting😏

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

the three branches of government

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant