Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Him: Who’s The Man?!?

Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….

My whole life was a lie.

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.