Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
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They’re on their honeymoon
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
