Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.