Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!