Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

Seals are just dog mermaids.

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died