Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

Not today. 😅

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

◾️

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.