Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
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FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
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What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires