Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?

Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN

Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?

Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals