me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
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I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.