Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
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Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller