Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
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Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
What a chick magnet..
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
And now we wait
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.