ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
*gets down on one knee*
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head