Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

let’s discuss

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

My what?

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore