Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
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Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song