Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

My neck, my back, my…

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.