ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
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the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
⛄️
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.