Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.