Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.