Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

That’s what I call a flat tire

This rocks

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.