@flashember

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

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@onedumbshark

When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.

@Beatonm5

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

@JediGigi

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

@genehunter1

What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”

Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”

No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

@UnFitz

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

@Seanzkelly

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

@HenpeckedHal

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

@ihateitmunky

Date

Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying

Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit

@TheToddWilliams

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee