ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
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4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.