When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
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I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”
Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”
No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
[three days after inventing phone]
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying
Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee