Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Love this one 😂🧟

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.