Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

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God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

War & Peace

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

marvel comics have peaked

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.