Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around