me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.