me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I ate everything, including the H.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.