Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

dead inside

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

If only

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.