me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
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*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
The best plant holders?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.