Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

Seals are just dog mermaids.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

how high up are we talkin’?

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*