me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
You Might Also Like
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.