ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
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At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.