Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me: