Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
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I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there