Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
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*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Air conditioning – not a fan
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I’ve been drinking.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.