Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
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*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great