Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
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*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me