Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Seems kinda suspicious
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?
Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.