Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

Never mess with a drunken pig.

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”