Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.