Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm