Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM