Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

This headline is a thing of beauty

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review