Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city